Sleep, precious sleep...

A brief post to fill you in on the latest, greatest news...Simon slept through the night!  My Aunt Penny and Uncle Gary were visiting my mom this week, and so I took Myles out of school on Thursday and Friday so we could go to my mom's to visit with them.  I thought it was possible that Simon would do awful, sleep-wise, in a different sleeping environment.  But, as it turned out, the first night he slept for 5.5 hours straight (I was sleeping for 4.5 of those hours), and then slept through until 7am, and the next night he slept for 7 hours straight, at which point I woke him for a feeding because I couldn't go any longer without feeding him.  Wow!  I have no idea what tonight will hold, being back home, but I am going to turn up the heat a few degrees, as I have a feeling that one thing that may be waking him up is that it's a little cold in his room (even though he's dressed in so many layers).  At my mom's I still woke up every 4 hours or so (wondering if he was still alive, since he's never slept so long before), but I think if he keeps this up, I might just get 5+ hours of consecutive sleep.  I'm giddy at the possibility! 

It was good to be at my mom's, and it was also one of those visits when I thought a lot about my dad.  I remembered how excited he was to build that house; how every detail was worth discussion and deliberation.  I remember him in every room; grilling on the back deck (then taking in sun when he was really sick and couldn't do much other than sit), turning on music downstairs to liven things up, countless meals at the dining table, the interview we did with him a week or so before his death on the couch in the family room.  I remember him in the study, always working on this or that, and in his bedroom, especially when he was no longer able to get up out of the bed.  I needed a Bible yesterday for sermon writing and I got his out to use.  Then I sat down and pored over some old photographs, and re-read all the memories people sent in when my sister made a book of them for my mom.  What stood out to me was how many people commented on his obvious love and affection for my mom...the way he did little things for her and always complimented her, he found countless ways to talk about her and show his love.  I really want to be more like that.  I am married to one fine man, and I don't always do a good job of fully appreciating him.  With two kids hanging on me every day, I am not as affectionate with him as I'd like to be.  It was a nice reminder of my dad's spirit and how I still have so much to learn from him as I go through the seasons of my life. 

We all have different gifts in life.  I actually watched American Idol at my mom's house (ha!), and was reminded that I do NOT have an ear for music...I appreciate it, but I do not hear all the things that those judges' ears are tuned to hear.  But I am tuned into Spirit.  I always have been; I guess I was just born that way.  And while I can't hear all the fine-tuned details when it comes to music, I don't doubt that they are there.  Not everyone is plugged into spirituality; I've had spiritual experiences that perhaps are a bit on the unusual side, but just because one isn't tuned in themselves doesn't mean God or the next place don't exist.  Seth and I were talking about this tonight, because when I think about my dad, it's very bitter-sweet, and yet I always sense that he is present or watching.  I do feel that I communicate with him, though it's a very different kind of communication.  And I do believe that I will see him or be in his presence more fully again one day.

In the mean time, hopefully I'll be getting some sleep... 

Bigger Family; Smaller World

This post is for my mom, in lieu of a thank you card for the week she spent with us while Seth was in Parks' Maintenance Management school in West Virginia.  It was such a gift to have her with us!

I think I've been avoiding blogging for a few reasons; one being that I'm so busy.  But really, if I'm totally honest, my life is just really hard right now and there's not much inspiring or interesting to say about it.  Any slight wisp of inspiration I harness for sermon-writing, and I'm in a rather parched place in my life.  I give a lot to a lot of people and rarely have time or energy for myself, and that's not a very fun or interesting thing to read about, so I've just avoided blogging altogether.  Facebook, which I am fasting from for Lent, is much easier, because I can just write one little cute thing my child said that day and be done with it.  Blogging actually requires some self-reflection.  So if you really want to hear what my life is like right now, here it is:

With the addition of Simon to our lives, life is much richer.  It goes without saying, but he adds a whole new dimension.  Myles is a brother now, and he's a very happy and patient one.  Simon cries and screams, and Myles never complains.  I spend a great deal of time with Simon, often leaving me exhausted and short with Myles, but Myles is not at all resentful.  He just has a really good heart, and he loves his brother deeply even though all Simon can do is smile at him at this point.  Seeing Myles as a big brother has been an incredible gift in and of itself.  It brings him a lot of joy, and I look forward to seeing how this relationship will grow and change in the coming years.  Simon is a beautiful, happy child...he has plump rolls that I love to squeeze (making him giggle), and seems to have a sweet disposition much of the time.  I am so thankful that after all the hemming and hawing, we decided to have another child and it was him.  He will be with us for the rest of our lives, and the love he inspires in us is a blessing.  Our family has grown.

At the same time, our world has closed in on us in many ways.  I am, and have been, more sleep deprived than I ever imagined possible.  After a great deal of dedication and work, we've succeeded in getting Simon out of my bed, which means I sleep more deeply.  But he still wakes up every two hours, and now that requires me to crawl out of bed, go downstairs, feed him and rock him, and get him back to bed, then drink more water so I am hydrated enough to feed him.  I am totally and utterly exhausted.  During the day, he often naps for no longer than 20 minutes at a time, unless I am able to get him to fall asleep in his car seat, which is hit or miss.  Then, he can sometimes nap for an hour or two.  While he is awake, he cries unless he is in my arms.  Literally, he needs to be in my arms or strapped into a carrier (which is getting harder to do for long periods of time as he gains weight) or he cries.  We have an exersaucer, a johnny jumper, a play mat, and two swings (one seated, one reclined) that swing in different directions.  None of them provide satisfaction for more than ten minutes.

Now is the time to put out this warning: The purpose of this blog is not to garner your sympathies or seek your advice.  I have already sought all kinds of advice in many different forums and venues, I have read like 5 books and consulted consultants.  I am not seeking any advice.

My life is just hard right now, and that's the reality of it.  Every day I wake up thankful for a new day, every day I give my best.  Some days I feel defeated as I crawl into bed and other days I feel full of gratitude.  It's just the way things are right now.

Because Simon is so...high maintenance...I pretty much spend every hour when he is not in my care (he goes to a morning out program 3 mornings/week), or sleeping, or with Seth, working.  I always have this feeling that I'm behind and can never catch up (partly because that's the nature of leading a new church, partly because I'm sleep deprived, and partly because I actually could work so many more hours if I had them).  My house is messy.  I am out of shape.  I do not get the chance to go to the zillions of interesting, adult things that go on in my fabulous city; not alone, not with my spouse.  I cannot volunteer in Myles' classroom the way that I would like to do, the way I see other moms doing.  That said, Simon is not what I would call a "cranky" baby.  In other words, when he is in my arms, he is full of smiles and good cheer, babbling at me, and interactive.  He is a very sweet baby.

I have spent time wishing that I could more fully enjoy this sweet stage of Simon's life.  This is, in all likelihood, the last time I will have a 4 month old baby.  I know from my experience with Myles that in the blink of an eye, he will be walking into kindergarten without looking back.  And yet, this season of our lives--so temporary--is also really hard.

In our Ash Wednesday service we invite folks to write down what they wish to burn away from their lives, that thing that displaces God in their heart of hearts, and then we light it on fire.  I was not organized enough to actually have a pen with me, so I didn't write anything down, but I thought about what I wanted to burn away.  It was this: the notion that I have it all "together" that I can do this all on my own.  I thought of the way that Simon looks when he's crying in his crib...his face all red, tears streaming down the side of his face (he's crying right now so I can write this blog), his arms lifted and shaky.  I feel like that's what I look like to God right now, and I want to embrace that.  I am utterly dependent.  I absolutely need God to get through every single day.  Not because my life is miserable or I'm depressed or stressed out, but because this season of my life is so rich with challenge and struggle.  It's a gift to be reminded that I cannot do it all on my own; that I am fallible and imperfect, that I don't always get it right.  In fact, that's really the gift of parenting...realizing that something we thought would be so straight-forward is complex beyond measure, and that the shades of gray fan out from here to eternity in terms of what's the "right way" to raise our kids.  We simply do our best and give the rest over to God.  We apologize when we mess up and ask for forgiveness.  We let go of guilt the best we can and embrace joy each time it toddles our way.  We thank God for the grin of an infant and the self-assured confidence of a 6-year old.  We wonder how everyone else seems to do it all with such ease.  Perhaps the dirty little secret is that it's this hard for many people.  We just are too afraid to say it.

Myles recently had his sixth birthday...he is full of delightful traits and says the most hilarious things.  But, my short window for blogging has come to an end, as Simon is still crying.

I am so thankful for this difficult, beautiful life of mine.  For my boys, all three of them.  For the love that's come into my life through Simon.  My heart is bigger, even if my world is smaller.