Bigger Family; Smaller World

This post is for my mom, in lieu of a thank you card for the week she spent with us while Seth was in Parks' Maintenance Management school in West Virginia.  It was such a gift to have her with us!

I think I've been avoiding blogging for a few reasons; one being that I'm so busy.  But really, if I'm totally honest, my life is just really hard right now and there's not much inspiring or interesting to say about it.  Any slight wisp of inspiration I harness for sermon-writing, and I'm in a rather parched place in my life.  I give a lot to a lot of people and rarely have time or energy for myself, and that's not a very fun or interesting thing to read about, so I've just avoided blogging altogether.  Facebook, which I am fasting from for Lent, is much easier, because I can just write one little cute thing my child said that day and be done with it.  Blogging actually requires some self-reflection.  So if you really want to hear what my life is like right now, here it is:

With the addition of Simon to our lives, life is much richer.  It goes without saying, but he adds a whole new dimension.  Myles is a brother now, and he's a very happy and patient one.  Simon cries and screams, and Myles never complains.  I spend a great deal of time with Simon, often leaving me exhausted and short with Myles, but Myles is not at all resentful.  He just has a really good heart, and he loves his brother deeply even though all Simon can do is smile at him at this point.  Seeing Myles as a big brother has been an incredible gift in and of itself.  It brings him a lot of joy, and I look forward to seeing how this relationship will grow and change in the coming years.  Simon is a beautiful, happy child...he has plump rolls that I love to squeeze (making him giggle), and seems to have a sweet disposition much of the time.  I am so thankful that after all the hemming and hawing, we decided to have another child and it was him.  He will be with us for the rest of our lives, and the love he inspires in us is a blessing.  Our family has grown.

At the same time, our world has closed in on us in many ways.  I am, and have been, more sleep deprived than I ever imagined possible.  After a great deal of dedication and work, we've succeeded in getting Simon out of my bed, which means I sleep more deeply.  But he still wakes up every two hours, and now that requires me to crawl out of bed, go downstairs, feed him and rock him, and get him back to bed, then drink more water so I am hydrated enough to feed him.  I am totally and utterly exhausted.  During the day, he often naps for no longer than 20 minutes at a time, unless I am able to get him to fall asleep in his car seat, which is hit or miss.  Then, he can sometimes nap for an hour or two.  While he is awake, he cries unless he is in my arms.  Literally, he needs to be in my arms or strapped into a carrier (which is getting harder to do for long periods of time as he gains weight) or he cries.  We have an exersaucer, a johnny jumper, a play mat, and two swings (one seated, one reclined) that swing in different directions.  None of them provide satisfaction for more than ten minutes.

Now is the time to put out this warning: The purpose of this blog is not to garner your sympathies or seek your advice.  I have already sought all kinds of advice in many different forums and venues, I have read like 5 books and consulted consultants.  I am not seeking any advice.

My life is just hard right now, and that's the reality of it.  Every day I wake up thankful for a new day, every day I give my best.  Some days I feel defeated as I crawl into bed and other days I feel full of gratitude.  It's just the way things are right now.

Because Simon is so...high maintenance...I pretty much spend every hour when he is not in my care (he goes to a morning out program 3 mornings/week), or sleeping, or with Seth, working.  I always have this feeling that I'm behind and can never catch up (partly because that's the nature of leading a new church, partly because I'm sleep deprived, and partly because I actually could work so many more hours if I had them).  My house is messy.  I am out of shape.  I do not get the chance to go to the zillions of interesting, adult things that go on in my fabulous city; not alone, not with my spouse.  I cannot volunteer in Myles' classroom the way that I would like to do, the way I see other moms doing.  That said, Simon is not what I would call a "cranky" baby.  In other words, when he is in my arms, he is full of smiles and good cheer, babbling at me, and interactive.  He is a very sweet baby.

I have spent time wishing that I could more fully enjoy this sweet stage of Simon's life.  This is, in all likelihood, the last time I will have a 4 month old baby.  I know from my experience with Myles that in the blink of an eye, he will be walking into kindergarten without looking back.  And yet, this season of our lives--so temporary--is also really hard.

In our Ash Wednesday service we invite folks to write down what they wish to burn away from their lives, that thing that displaces God in their heart of hearts, and then we light it on fire.  I was not organized enough to actually have a pen with me, so I didn't write anything down, but I thought about what I wanted to burn away.  It was this: the notion that I have it all "together" that I can do this all on my own.  I thought of the way that Simon looks when he's crying in his crib...his face all red, tears streaming down the side of his face (he's crying right now so I can write this blog), his arms lifted and shaky.  I feel like that's what I look like to God right now, and I want to embrace that.  I am utterly dependent.  I absolutely need God to get through every single day.  Not because my life is miserable or I'm depressed or stressed out, but because this season of my life is so rich with challenge and struggle.  It's a gift to be reminded that I cannot do it all on my own; that I am fallible and imperfect, that I don't always get it right.  In fact, that's really the gift of parenting...realizing that something we thought would be so straight-forward is complex beyond measure, and that the shades of gray fan out from here to eternity in terms of what's the "right way" to raise our kids.  We simply do our best and give the rest over to God.  We apologize when we mess up and ask for forgiveness.  We let go of guilt the best we can and embrace joy each time it toddles our way.  We thank God for the grin of an infant and the self-assured confidence of a 6-year old.  We wonder how everyone else seems to do it all with such ease.  Perhaps the dirty little secret is that it's this hard for many people.  We just are too afraid to say it.

Myles recently had his sixth birthday...he is full of delightful traits and says the most hilarious things.  But, my short window for blogging has come to an end, as Simon is still crying.

I am so thankful for this difficult, beautiful life of mine.  For my boys, all three of them.  For the love that's come into my life through Simon.  My heart is bigger, even if my world is smaller.