October Heart

Hot cranberry muffins are on the stove top, Myles is washing dishes, and Seth is (hopefully) in the process of acing his midterm exam. I meant to write last week in honor of my dad on the second anniversary of his death, October 7th. But then there was work, and the house to clean before the arrival of my in-laws, and a weekend party to prepare for, and a sermon to write. Yesterday I took the dog to the vet because she peed on the floor and seemed to have some kind of infection, and we came home with the news that she needs another expensive surgery (we still haven't followed through with the first one). Her health care costs are more expensive than anyone else in the family, by a long shot. What's wrong with this picture?

Back to my dad. The anniversary of his death, like the anniversary of his birth, reminds me to pause and talk to Myles about my dad. The thing that really sucks about losing my dad so young is that Myles will not have him around, and he won't get to be the incredible grandfather I know he would have been. This is a grief I'll mourn forever, my dad had so much life in him, and he only seemed to shine brighter the closer he came to death, so it's truly a loss for Myles and all of his grandchildren. I pulled out some pictures of my dad and showed them to Myles. Next year there will be an ability to understand more, but Myles does get it that Grandpa is in heaven. He talked to my mom that night and said "I'm sorry that you're sad about Grandpa. He'll come back from heaven." Myles is such a sweet kid, a lot like Seth, and I pray that he will keep this sweetness intact through all of life's bruises and bumps.

This year, as I read through my dad's caring bridge book, the one thing that struck me was something that's never stood out to me before. He wrote, "I will, indeed, be still and be content." Of course he was referring to the Psalm that says "Be still and know that I am God." I think it's a good description of exactly what my dad did as he died. He gracefully transitioned from movement to stillness. And his stillness was a reverent, humble stillness filled with contentment and gratitude. I still think about this all the time, because that's how I want to live and also how I want to die.

In my new on call job at the hospital I have the opportunity to think a lot about death, since I support families who are facing the unexpected death of a loved one. The circumstances are always tragic, they never fail to take me by surprise, and they almost never fail to bring a family to their knees in grief. But I do believe that God's hand is at work, loving these families through me and through others; drawing near to them in their time of suffering, offering powerful insight to anyone who will listen about the brevity and sanctity of life.

Although I think about my dad a lot, and I grieve the loss of him in so many ways, the joy does eclipse the pain. I think of him and smile or laugh about a time when he did something ridiculous. I hear his voice, forever upbeat, forever hopeful. I remember him with a head full of hair, and the way he enjoyed life is a much larger part of my memory than the way he suffered near the end. I've learned more than I can every convey from my dad, and so at the end of the day, I am grateful.

Mylestones: I am enjoying edging closer to four with Myles. Tonight we had a beautiful night together; conflict was minimal and he was willing to try the kale I put in his spaghetti and even confessed "I like it mama!" after I told him how kale helps clean out his belly (digestive track) and keeps his bones strong so that when he falls on his Scoot, he won't break his bones. These days I try things that I think are a long shot, and they often work much to my surprise. This week, for the first time, Myles showed a particular interest in style...he has an old pair of cords that are like six inches too short, but they have this rectangle, leather label on the outside of them (think Lee jeans). He insisted on wearing them; which we let him do around the house. Then he wanted to wear them to school and became quite upset when we told him they were dirty (and six inches too short). The only thing I could think to do was to remove the leather label and sew it on another pair that fit him. He was happy as a clam after that...and when I asked if anyone at school noticed the "tag" (as he calls it), he said, "yes!" Too cool for school.

Things are well with the church. We had a joint service for World Communion Sunday the first Sunday in October, and for the first time we had over 100 people, along with a drumming group. The growth has not happened as quickly as we would like, but we are officially a community of many families who are invested in our church and I love what I do.

My sister in-law Megan (Greg's wife) had her first baby on Monday, Myles' first girl cousin. Molly is beautiful and home with Megan and Greg. We hear she's a great sleeper!

That's about it for now, since it's bath time. We are loving this beautiful October; the trees are outdoing themselves and it's a wonderful time of the year to live in the mountains. I hope it's as beautiful in your neck of the woods.